auria “Hussein” cortes

The trick with “show, don’t tell” is that sometimes it’s better to show. Other times it’s better to tell. As the writer, it’s up to you to know when to use each. This is the litmus test I use when writing: when we are in love, sometimes it’s best to simply tell your lover “I love you.” Then there are times when it’s best to show it (i.e. buy a gift or do something thoughtful). As I’m writing, I pretend my readers are my lovers and sprinkle “show, don’t tell” with that thought in mind. Because I’m a great lover :-), I find the right balance.

The following examples I saved from the NaNo forum last year.

Original sentence: John was angry.
Revision:
John narrowed his eyes and felt his cheeks grow warm. Adrenaline surged through him. He could feel the vein along his temple pulse in time to his rapid heartbeat. His fists balled at his sides and he took several deep breaths. He needed to calm down; if he went out there now, he would end up punching Ben in the face.
—> I showed John was angry without saying anger. I described his body’s responses to anger. The rapid heartbeat, the narrowed eyes, flushed cheeks, etc. I even threw a little intrigue sentence at the end…since it seems that someone called Ben pissed dear John off.

Original sentence: Martha looked at the sign with confusion.
Revision: Martha wandered over to the sign. She peered at the multitude of crisscrossing lines and bisecting streets with a worried frown. She bit her lip and traced a familiar route with her finger, only to find that it split into several directions and she had no idea where any of them ended. Her finger dropped and she sighed. She hated Chicago already.
—> This one wasn’t as physical, but rather more detailed on what Martha looked at and was looking for. However, this paints a more vivid picture about Martha, and why she was confused.

Original sentence: Bobby had a strange personality.
Revision: Bobby liked anything blue. His clothes were all blue, his appliances were blue, even his hair was blue. He liked blue so much, that he even painted his whole house blue. No one knew why he loved this color to the point of obsession, but rumor had it, that when he was a boy, he had a blue parrot by the name of Steve. Steve also liked blue, and Bobby would let the bird have anything blue it’s little heart desired. But one day, young bobby came home to find Steve gone, his birdcage cleaned and put away, and blue flower vase in its place. Bobby’s mother had let Steve fly away, and poor Bobby was heartbroken.
Since that day, Bobby kept Steve’s memory alive by collecting everything blue he could find. Maybe if he surrounded himself with blue, Steve would return to him.
—> LOL, yeah, I had fun with it. But you get the idea.

Original sentence: Jacob was bored.
Revision: Jacob yawned, and his mouth stretched so wide that the back of his throat showed. He smacked his lips and looked around the classroom. He spied his best friend close by. Ned was bent over his test and scribbling away madly. Jacob crinkled his nose and rolled his eyes. He tapped his pencil on his desk: tap, taptap, tap, taptap. Soon, he formed a song in his head to match the beat. He tapped it to Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman, and then he tapped it to the Star Spangled Banner. The other students gave him sour looks and coughed with annoyance. His teacher looked up and shot him a warning glare. Jacob pursed his lips and sighed. His tapping stopped. It wasn’t his fault he had finished fifteen minutes early. He was a genius, what could he say?
—> Now we have a better idea of HOW Jacob was bored.

Original sentence: Janice was quite addled by her Supervisor’s lustful advances.
Revision: Janice felt her cheek grow hot as her Supervisor winked at her and sipped his paper cone of water. He leaned against the wall, relaxed and watched her as she worked. She could feel his eyes travel her body, lingering on her breasts and then slipping down like an invisible hand over her hips and legs. She coughed and turned sideways in her chair, giving the impression that she had important work to do. He remained at the water cooler, staring, and Janice couldn’t focus on the computer screen. She wished he would leave her alone!
—> Tense situation, and shows discomfort without me saying the word itself.

Original sentence: The creek was cold and loud.
Revision: The water gurgled and chugged in noisy song. I slipped my toes beneath the water, giving a little squeal as I realized how icy the creek was. Even though Spring had arrived a month ago, Winter’s chill still pervaded the waters.
—> Short and simple, but conveyed cold and loud better to the reader.

So there you have it folks. Examples that demonstrate the difference between show, don’t tell.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS