May 07 2008
Lies. It’s All Lies.
The following post is part of May’s blog chain.
So I know someone who is lying about a situation. It’s a small lie. To him it’s probably an insignificant lie. I understand his initial reason to lie - he wanted to wiggle out of an uncomfortable situation. But when the lie didn’t change the negative outcome, he decided to tell his side of the story, with the lie in place, in mixed company.
In this case, mixed company refers to a group where some people know the truth and others know the version he’s sharing. And that’s what astounds me.
It’s one thing to lie when those around you don’t know or will never find out the correct version, but to lie in front of people who are privy to the truth…well…that takes guts. And to top it all off, he’s lying about a subject that no one else could give a fuck about. Although I understand why he orginally lied, I’m at a loss as to why he has chosen to go to the “streets.”
I’m not planning on an intervetion, however, because the last time I gave advice to a nontruth teller it didn’t turn out so well. Here’s what happened: My friend lied so much that I gave her my therapist’s number and instructed her to say on the first day, “I want you to know that I’m a liar. I lie about eveything. Please don’t take anything I have to say at face value. Question me at every turn. Except don’t question what I just said because I’m telling you the truth. But don’t believe what I say after this.”
And she did just that.
Through therapy, she overcome her impulse to lie, fudge, or tell half-truths.
Good news for her. Bad news for our relationship.
After her newfound conscious, I found her boring. She lost her charm. Even her written short stories turned stale.
This time I’m butting out and will allow liars to do what they do best…lie.
Next up on the chain is Life in Scribbletown.
At least the compulsive liars you know have some amount of charm. The ones I know are so destructive and malicious that they’re not worth being anywhere near. But at least you know your liar is a liar - it’s worse when you don’t know, you know?
I agree that it’s good you know he’s lying. I know some perpetual liars and it baffles me to hear them continue lying. One is very close to me and everything they care to lie about is something where I know the truth. In that situation, I firmly believe the person has a skewed perception in their own mind and is incapable of digging deeper to see what they are mistaken about.
I used to work with a woman who was a compulsive liar - scary stuff! It was amazing to watch what she lied about - the ittiest, bittiest, teensiest, tiniest things. I couldn’t figure out why she bothered, but she did!
The problem for me is when a “friend” lies about me. The relationship ends, I have self-esteem. I don’t defend myself; I let my actions speak. This has NEVER failed me.
PS, ignorance here…what is a blog chain? I sense a writer’s game…
To be frank, there’s nothing in the world that I despise more than liars. My experience has convinced me that a lie is the source of just about every bad deed, and that lies can only be entertaining or harmless as long as we can mentally divorce ourselves from their ramifications. If somebody needs to lie in order to be interesting, then they were never interesting to begin with.
I have an assistant who is a compulsive liar. It’s not that he wants to harm others but sometimes, he makes the situation too much complicated with this quality. I often what is the solution to the problem? At first, I used to get very angry with this matter. Now, I try to be more sympathetic.
[…] Once again, I’m doing the blog chain at Absolute Write. This month, it’s unthemed and Auria Cortes got things started by talking about lies. Have you ever lied? I have. I used to tell people I was […]
I’ve known a number of compulsive liars and I believe it’s akin to a mental illness. They aren’t aware they’re doing it like we’d think they should and they can’t help themselves. In college, I once met a woman who was a c.l. She stole a dress from me that I’d let her borrow. It had belonged to my grandmother and we were attending a 1940’s theme party. I think she might have inadvertantly ruined it and hid the evidence but she kept claiming she’d given it back to me. Made up this elaborate story, full of details, etc. I finally gave up. Eventually someone found the tattered remains of the dress in her dorm room (she’d kept the evidence!) and gave it back to me. I had to throw it away. I never could understand why she’d done it but she clearly had LOTS of problems.
Diane, a blog chain is where a group of bloggers agree to post and read each other’s blog. Sometimes the chain is themed. Other times it’s not.
Here’s how it works: I wrote a post and then the next person in line piggybacks on my thought and writes a post that is linked to mine in some fashion. And then so on and so forth.
But of course, anyone (not just blog chain participants) can comment.
Isn’t it a shame that these compulsive liars don’t have a Pinocchio-like gene where their nose (or any appendage, really…the more embarrassing the better) would start to grow when they lied? Would make it easier for everyone invovled
There would be a lot more truth going on if you arm (or whatever, lol) sprang out a foot everytime you lied!
Oh, I guess I played then. Shoot. No…I didn’t post on MY blog about it….sigh, so much to learn. WHO TOOK MY LUNCHBOX?
LOL! How sad that your friend became so boring to you after she learned not to lie.
In poly, honestly becomes a BIG deal.
Diane, participants agree to participate before the first post is posted. This way we all know who’s part of the chain beforehand.
Colby, we all lie. It’s part of the human makeup. So we’d have be walking around with a Pinocchio nose.
Kathleen, honesty is important in any relationship, but I imagine that in a poly one that it’s even more important. At least that’s my sense anyway.
FreshHall, the female friend I mentioned in this post stole my witch dress. That’s the only dress I ever loved. She told me that she returned it but I didn’t remember. LOL She’s fucking sick.
Razib, you must be a patient supervisor.
Samuel, “If somebody needs to lie in order to be interesting, then they were never interesting to begin with.” That is true. And I rather be around interesting liars than boring truth tellers.
Laurie, Heather, and Nancie, the lie is so small that I wonder about the big lies he’s telling that I have no idea about.
I’d guess your friend who lied in mixed company either a) has convinced himself of the lie or b) knows it’s a lie but thinks he’s convinced all of you. Or I guess c) has huge cajones.
FreshHell: Actually, it is a recognized mental illness. Mythomania is the scientific term.
Well, then, nevermind. Here is my lie: I never lie.
No never mind, Diane. If you want to participate next month you can! Just let me know.
I never found a point in lying. I don’t do anything that I’m ashamed of, I don’t see a need to elaborate and make something worse than what it was or wasn’t, I just let it be. I had a roommate that was a ridiculous liar, especially when the shit hit the fan with her. She liked to elicit pity from others and while the others that had nothing to do with us believed it (namely her mother), those of us on the receiving end couldn’t do anything but laugh because it was just ludicrous. Eventually a lie will come back around to bite you in the ass. Everything’s eventual.
This was so interesting to read — I did a blog post about lying a while back, and about how I’ve always tried so hard not to lie, but since becoming a parent, it seems “little” lies are slipping out of my mouth all the time. (The cookies are gone, it’s too cold to go outside, etc.)
And I have to wonder what all this means for my personal ethos!
Anyway, thanks for the thought-provoking post.
I never understand the waiver, to me its worse. Either stick with the lie and deal with it from then on out, or just tell the truth and save everyone the hassle of it.
This was a great blog post, it was personal, it told a story, and it gave you a reflection up on the reader’s lives as well. I loved it.
[…] my contribution to the May blog chain. This month is unthemed which always makes it interesting. Auria got the chain started by discussing someone she knew who was lying. From there, the next link was […]
[…] Auria Cortes Life in Scribbletown Polyamory From the Inside Out For the First Time Family On Bikes Writes in the City Elf Killing and Other Hobbies Rotating Bear Fantastical Imagination Asian Business Spittin’ (Out Words) Like a Llama As Yet Untitled Mad Scientist Matt’s Lair Peregrinas Delirious […]